I lied, about updating.. This is not about my baby making status but rather a much needed break! so away we go....
What is the perfect break from all of this chaos?
MEXICO!
We decided it was a very important that we get away and take a break so we are going to Mexico in April for Easter. We are going on an all inclusive vacation where there is a beach, sun, drinks... and pool ...sounds like the perfect recipe for relaxation to me!
I'm somewhat nervous about going to Mexico but I don't plan on leaving the resort so I should be fine :)
Cheers to Margaritas, Sun, and RR.....
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
If at first you don't succeed....
Well the motto is if at first you don't succeed.. try, try again.. Right?
Well..how much trying do I have to do? This trying to get preggo thing is getting very very very very exhausting not to mention a whole host of other emotions!
Yes, I am hitting the end of the positivity train and hopping on a plane to negativity, frustration, crazy town and I am a little nervous it may be a one way ticket and I am not coming back....
Yep, you guessed it another month of NEGATIVE pregnancy tests and shattered hopes and a lot of other roller coaster of emotions.
I know you are all reading this thinking well..whatever you are thinking about me and this situation but, the reality is only a small small amount of people actually get what having to struggle to get pregnant is like and the frustration is overwhelming and this process is taking it's toll. Mostly, on me and my mental health. Basically, I feel as though I am going CRAZY!
The truth is I am not happy for people when they tell me they are pregnant and I lie and say I am. People are afraid to tell "us" they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt my I feelings.. well guess what it's inevitable. People getting pregnant is part of life, I can't change my situation and right now I can't change the way my emotions come out. I feel like a walking talking bitch who is negative all of the time. I hate that people can't tell me good news and I just hate this whole situation.
I am truly grateful for the people I have in my life who listen to me (and my husband), who support us the best way they know how, and everything else you all may be doing thoughts, prayers, secret voodoo.. but I think this matter has become far bigger then I thought it would. I cry all the time, I am not a pleasant person to be around, and I am in a really bad place.
I thought that I would be able to blog about this, raise awareness and just be like oh, I can't get pregnant, blab about it and then get to tell my family, friends, my co-workers and post on my facebook.. guess what it's official we're pregnant... but, that is not the case.
So I am reporting to you blog readers that.. I am going to take a break. This is a very hard, personal issue and I am having very mixed emotions about how I let the whole world know this problem. I think for me I need some time for me and my husband to just get back to our life and not be consumed with trying to get pregnant. If it happens it happens, but right now I am not myself, I have good days and bad but mostly I have anger, frustration and doubt and I need to get back to where I am not consumed with this situation.
In reality, I don't know how this will all go but as for posting to the world my fertility news.. I am taking a break. I realized the whole world knows when I am going to get my period and I am just weirded out by this. So for now I am going to take a break from posting my failures and small successes.
Again, I am appreciative of the support and I would appreciate people to respect this choice.
As for ending this story, for now anyway...
I will let you know this, we are still medically pursuing options but as far as my medical progression may go we are going to keep this private. I think for me I thought talking about this would be good and, in many ways it has been but, right now I just feel like I am failing at something and I need to get back to feeling good again.
I feel like everyone wants to know if I am pregnant and they ask and I have to say no but maybe and I am just not able to paint a happy face on anymore and say no and/or maybe just have to wait and see.
I feel like the one's who are waiting for that big announcement, I disappoint and I am very embarrassed that I can't get pregnant and that is the honest truth. I have a host of emotions that I need to work out for myself and my husbands sake. I think the excitement has gotten lost in this process and the frustration has taken over. Don't get me wrong we would be over the moon if we ever saw a positive pregnancy test but, we never have and our hopes I think have been squashed to a point where it is very difficult to keep talking about so.. for now this blog is on a break.. I will return just not this month.... thank you again for all of the support.
Best wishes to you all.. and as for me.. wine is in my future :)
XOXO, Ash
Well..how much trying do I have to do? This trying to get preggo thing is getting very very very very exhausting not to mention a whole host of other emotions!
Yes, I am hitting the end of the positivity train and hopping on a plane to negativity, frustration, crazy town and I am a little nervous it may be a one way ticket and I am not coming back....
Yep, you guessed it another month of NEGATIVE pregnancy tests and shattered hopes and a lot of other roller coaster of emotions.
I know you are all reading this thinking well..whatever you are thinking about me and this situation but, the reality is only a small small amount of people actually get what having to struggle to get pregnant is like and the frustration is overwhelming and this process is taking it's toll. Mostly, on me and my mental health. Basically, I feel as though I am going CRAZY!
The truth is I am not happy for people when they tell me they are pregnant and I lie and say I am. People are afraid to tell "us" they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt my I feelings.. well guess what it's inevitable. People getting pregnant is part of life, I can't change my situation and right now I can't change the way my emotions come out. I feel like a walking talking bitch who is negative all of the time. I hate that people can't tell me good news and I just hate this whole situation.
I am truly grateful for the people I have in my life who listen to me (and my husband), who support us the best way they know how, and everything else you all may be doing thoughts, prayers, secret voodoo.. but I think this matter has become far bigger then I thought it would. I cry all the time, I am not a pleasant person to be around, and I am in a really bad place.
I thought that I would be able to blog about this, raise awareness and just be like oh, I can't get pregnant, blab about it and then get to tell my family, friends, my co-workers and post on my facebook.. guess what it's official we're pregnant... but, that is not the case.
So I am reporting to you blog readers that.. I am going to take a break. This is a very hard, personal issue and I am having very mixed emotions about how I let the whole world know this problem. I think for me I need some time for me and my husband to just get back to our life and not be consumed with trying to get pregnant. If it happens it happens, but right now I am not myself, I have good days and bad but mostly I have anger, frustration and doubt and I need to get back to where I am not consumed with this situation.
In reality, I don't know how this will all go but as for posting to the world my fertility news.. I am taking a break. I realized the whole world knows when I am going to get my period and I am just weirded out by this. So for now I am going to take a break from posting my failures and small successes.
Again, I am appreciative of the support and I would appreciate people to respect this choice.
As for ending this story, for now anyway...
I will let you know this, we are still medically pursuing options but as far as my medical progression may go we are going to keep this private. I think for me I thought talking about this would be good and, in many ways it has been but, right now I just feel like I am failing at something and I need to get back to feeling good again.
I feel like everyone wants to know if I am pregnant and they ask and I have to say no but maybe and I am just not able to paint a happy face on anymore and say no and/or maybe just have to wait and see.
I feel like the one's who are waiting for that big announcement, I disappoint and I am very embarrassed that I can't get pregnant and that is the honest truth. I have a host of emotions that I need to work out for myself and my husbands sake. I think the excitement has gotten lost in this process and the frustration has taken over. Don't get me wrong we would be over the moon if we ever saw a positive pregnancy test but, we never have and our hopes I think have been squashed to a point where it is very difficult to keep talking about so.. for now this blog is on a break.. I will return just not this month.... thank you again for all of the support.
Best wishes to you all.. and as for me.. wine is in my future :)
XOXO, Ash
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Big One...
Today we went and had our first ultrasound since beginning the big C (Clomid). Yes, my husband came with, I think he was pleasantly surprised to see what I have been going through at the OB/GYN :) Always lovely...
And... I have one very large follicle that looks like it is ready to burst at any moment. I also have another follicle that is fairly big too...What does this mean you ask?
It's WORKING!! WAHOOOOO.... the Clomid seems to be doing what it should... and hopefully one of them chooses to burst!
It looks like I should ovulate at any moment and we should get a mature egg. So if the egg is healthy and mature, and the boys can swim, penetrate the egg, and fertilize.. we may get Preggo!!! (fingers, toes, and anything else one can cross, is crossed) and lots of Praying! we are tyring to be very hopeful. Because that really is all we can be, my husband said today that it "really sucks this is not natural at all" which it is true.. it does just really suck. The whole thing really sucks, but we can't change anything.. we can just keep doing what we can.
However, with this whole process we are approaching this cautiously optimistic. We still have some practicing to do to try to get it right and I guess that is all we can do.
I have definitely felt the affects of the Clomid but nothing too awful (other then a 2 hour crying spell.. I know so ridiculous!) So right now all we can do is wait and see, I am still doing rigorous acupuncture treatments to try to help me along as best as possible, and keep me as healthy and ready as possible.
Fingers Crossed, and Prayers being Prayed :) til next blog...
And... I have one very large follicle that looks like it is ready to burst at any moment. I also have another follicle that is fairly big too...What does this mean you ask?
It's WORKING!! WAHOOOOO.... the Clomid seems to be doing what it should... and hopefully one of them chooses to burst!
It looks like I should ovulate at any moment and we should get a mature egg. So if the egg is healthy and mature, and the boys can swim, penetrate the egg, and fertilize.. we may get Preggo!!! (fingers, toes, and anything else one can cross, is crossed) and lots of Praying! we are tyring to be very hopeful. Because that really is all we can be, my husband said today that it "really sucks this is not natural at all" which it is true.. it does just really suck. The whole thing really sucks, but we can't change anything.. we can just keep doing what we can.
However, with this whole process we are approaching this cautiously optimistic. We still have some practicing to do to try to get it right and I guess that is all we can do.
I have definitely felt the affects of the Clomid but nothing too awful (other then a 2 hour crying spell.. I know so ridiculous!) So right now all we can do is wait and see, I am still doing rigorous acupuncture treatments to try to help me along as best as possible, and keep me as healthy and ready as possible.
Fingers Crossed, and Prayers being Prayed :) til next blog...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Holy HOT Flash
Well today is day 3 of taking Clomid and all I can say is Holy HOT Flash (s).
Yes, the side effects have begun. In fact, it is like a high of 35 maybe and I had to go outside to cool down. I had a pretty hots night sleep but, other than that, I feel pretty normal. I had acupuncture today and we are continuing to be aggressive with Chinese Medicine remedies and acupuncture along with my Clomid. I have an ultra sound next Monday to see if I am developing any mature follicles. Fingers Crossed I am.. So we will see how that goes. However, a brief back up in this story for a moment... (since I am terrible about blogging, to be expected (as my husband predicted))...
I did have a moment of frustration before the Clomid intake though. I called the doctor's office to schedule my appointment for my ultrasound and it was normal scheduling procedure then she said, "well every month you will have to pay $150.00 for all of your fertility matters" I was like ok (which is not awful expensive but I only go once a month so it is still alot, I mean if I went more I would be all for it).. but what am I going to say No I refuse to pay? then I was silently thinking, Wow... that is so swell that (pardon my overly exposed opinion at this point) but.. why can all of the White Trash (WT) in the waiting room in their PJ's drinking Mountain Dew A. get pregnant and B. get free everything care including fertility consultation with OHP.. but no I can't get any coverage for fertility matters with really "great" insurance and I will too, pay for you (WT) to have your baby and get every ounce of care you need for you and your baby, and likely pay for you and your baby the rest of your lives.. but also get to pay for every drop of trying to have a baby, conceiving a baby oh.. and caring for myself and my baby more then you likely ever will.. ughh so mad! (I know I am a social worker and I do know there are people who do need support in these areas but seriously you WT moochers...I mean barely make above the poverty line but seriously!!! I feel I can express this frustration and I know many of you are in agreement)..
Anyway.. now I am actively a Clomid user and abuser :) and we will see how this continues to go..
Til Next Time.. my readers :)
Yes, the side effects have begun. In fact, it is like a high of 35 maybe and I had to go outside to cool down. I had a pretty hots night sleep but, other than that, I feel pretty normal. I had acupuncture today and we are continuing to be aggressive with Chinese Medicine remedies and acupuncture along with my Clomid. I have an ultra sound next Monday to see if I am developing any mature follicles. Fingers Crossed I am.. So we will see how that goes. However, a brief back up in this story for a moment... (since I am terrible about blogging, to be expected (as my husband predicted))...
I did have a moment of frustration before the Clomid intake though. I called the doctor's office to schedule my appointment for my ultrasound and it was normal scheduling procedure then she said, "well every month you will have to pay $150.00 for all of your fertility matters" I was like ok (which is not awful expensive but I only go once a month so it is still alot, I mean if I went more I would be all for it).. but what am I going to say No I refuse to pay? then I was silently thinking, Wow... that is so swell that (pardon my overly exposed opinion at this point) but.. why can all of the White Trash (WT) in the waiting room in their PJ's drinking Mountain Dew A. get pregnant and B. get free everything care including fertility consultation with OHP.. but no I can't get any coverage for fertility matters with really "great" insurance and I will too, pay for you (WT) to have your baby and get every ounce of care you need for you and your baby, and likely pay for you and your baby the rest of your lives.. but also get to pay for every drop of trying to have a baby, conceiving a baby oh.. and caring for myself and my baby more then you likely ever will.. ughh so mad! (I know I am a social worker and I do know there are people who do need support in these areas but seriously you WT moochers...I mean barely make above the poverty line but seriously!!! I feel I can express this frustration and I know many of you are in agreement)..
Anyway.. now I am actively a Clomid user and abuser :) and we will see how this continues to go..
Til Next Time.. my readers :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
And it begins...
The beginning of the help from the fertility drugs begins.. and testing and doctors appointments and the saga continues...
So after waiting for the past 5 days to get my period (the one time I am finally late) it finally came. The one month that all I wanted was for it to start! UGHH how frustrating. But this marks a new beginning in our journey. I will begin Clomid on Saturday. (Pray for my husband as all Hell may break lose)
Clomid has some side affects moody, irritability, and all around awful PMS affects.
So, I will begin taking Clomid on Saturday for 5 days and then I stop taking it. I then will go to the doctor and have another follicle ultra sound so they can determine I am producing mature follicles with the help of Clomid . I hope this works!
I will keep you all posted with the side affects and all :)
So after waiting for the past 5 days to get my period (the one time I am finally late) it finally came. The one month that all I wanted was for it to start! UGHH how frustrating. But this marks a new beginning in our journey. I will begin Clomid on Saturday. (Pray for my husband as all Hell may break lose)
Clomid has some side affects moody, irritability, and all around awful PMS affects.
So, I will begin taking Clomid on Saturday for 5 days and then I stop taking it. I then will go to the doctor and have another follicle ultra sound so they can determine I am producing mature follicles with the help of Clomid . I hope this works!
I will keep you all posted with the side affects and all :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
It's Official...
well it's official I am a defective model when it comes to fertility!! Not completely.. though...
I went in this morning for my vaginal ultrasound and blood test results and I was feeling quite anxious but it was all pretty painless... and an answer was found nonetheless.
This is something that is a little scary but is actually an answer along this journey. And, an answer is what I have needed and wanted all along. I am very grateful to have gotten an answer.
Well I won't kill you with the suspense any longer..So here is what is going on with me:
I have an FSH level and an LH level that do not match (and they should match during certain times in a woman's menstrual cycle) meaning I am producing an insulin resistance that is making me have trouble producing a mature dominant follicle during ovulation which is essentially early stages of Polycystic Ovaraian Syndrome (PCOS). Which for me means the following:
I am having a normal menstrual cycle, which is good, and in a normal cycle one egg is released from a dominant follicle - essentially a cyst that bursts to release the egg. After ovulation the follicle remnant is transformed into a progesterone producing corpus luteum, which shrinks and disappears after approximately 12–14 days. In PCOS, there is a so called "follicular arrest", i.e., several follicles develop to a size of 5–7 mm, but not further. (thanks wikipedia for a great definition and copy and paste) and, this is what is happening with me. I am not producing a dominant follicle to produce an egg that can be fertilized. I also, have several cysts in my ovaries (not an alarming amount but several that are not maturing and just kinda hanging out) so, every month I am likely producing an egg but it is one that is essentially like cement and cannot be penetrated by sperm to become fertilized. Well the good news is I guess I could potentially develop a dominant follicle on my own and get pregnant but it could take forever. But the better news is I AM NOT NORMAL.. in fact there is something wrong and it can be treated... SO guess what stupid Dr. who would not test me.. (alot of X-rated language could be inserted here!) I am going to begin taking the next steps in this fertility process...
So officially, as soon as I get my next period I will begin taking Clomid to attempt to develop a healthy follicle to release an egg that can get fertilized. My Doctor made it seem as though this is the best chance for me I have in conceiving and I likely will get pregnant. After 2 months if this does not work I may have to pair my Clomid with taking Met Formin (sp?) to regulate my insulin resistance.
At this point, all we can do is wait and see what happens in this process and pray we get a healthy baby in 2011! I feel very relieved that something was found but, at the same time I also feel a little cheated that I am not normal like everyone else. As always, I am sure this will continue to be an emotional roller coaster but at least I do not have to wait any longer for an answer as to why not me?
Thank you all for your support in this process. I promise to keep blogging as I begin this next chapter in my fertility journey and attempting to conceive Baby Cary.
Much Love,
Ash
I went in this morning for my vaginal ultrasound and blood test results and I was feeling quite anxious but it was all pretty painless... and an answer was found nonetheless.
This is something that is a little scary but is actually an answer along this journey. And, an answer is what I have needed and wanted all along. I am very grateful to have gotten an answer.
Well I won't kill you with the suspense any longer..So here is what is going on with me:
I have an FSH level and an LH level that do not match (and they should match during certain times in a woman's menstrual cycle) meaning I am producing an insulin resistance that is making me have trouble producing a mature dominant follicle during ovulation which is essentially early stages of Polycystic Ovaraian Syndrome (PCOS). Which for me means the following:
I am having a normal menstrual cycle, which is good, and in a normal cycle one egg is released from a dominant follicle - essentially a cyst that bursts to release the egg. After ovulation the follicle remnant is transformed into a progesterone producing corpus luteum, which shrinks and disappears after approximately 12–14 days. In PCOS, there is a so called "follicular arrest", i.e., several follicles develop to a size of 5–7 mm, but not further. (thanks wikipedia for a great definition and copy and paste) and, this is what is happening with me. I am not producing a dominant follicle to produce an egg that can be fertilized. I also, have several cysts in my ovaries (not an alarming amount but several that are not maturing and just kinda hanging out) so, every month I am likely producing an egg but it is one that is essentially like cement and cannot be penetrated by sperm to become fertilized. Well the good news is I guess I could potentially develop a dominant follicle on my own and get pregnant but it could take forever. But the better news is I AM NOT NORMAL.. in fact there is something wrong and it can be treated... SO guess what stupid Dr. who would not test me.. (alot of X-rated language could be inserted here!) I am going to begin taking the next steps in this fertility process...
So officially, as soon as I get my next period I will begin taking Clomid to attempt to develop a healthy follicle to release an egg that can get fertilized. My Doctor made it seem as though this is the best chance for me I have in conceiving and I likely will get pregnant. After 2 months if this does not work I may have to pair my Clomid with taking Met Formin (sp?) to regulate my insulin resistance.
At this point, all we can do is wait and see what happens in this process and pray we get a healthy baby in 2011! I feel very relieved that something was found but, at the same time I also feel a little cheated that I am not normal like everyone else. As always, I am sure this will continue to be an emotional roller coaster but at least I do not have to wait any longer for an answer as to why not me?
Thank you all for your support in this process. I promise to keep blogging as I begin this next chapter in my fertility journey and attempting to conceive Baby Cary.
Much Love,
Ash
Monday, January 24, 2011
Testing... 1,2,3....
Testing,.... Testing....
Tomorrow, is the big day...
Let the testing to conceive Baby Cary begin... hopefully we will get an answer as to why "Making" Baby Cary is sooo dangg HARD.
I am feeling very anxious, excited, nervous, and hopeful about this first series of tests. I should know what my blood test results are and then I will have an ultrasound to see if those lil follicles are "maturing"... fingers crossed for what? I don't know.. an answer I guess :)
Right now all we can do is wait and see.. keep you posted...
Tomorrow, is the big day...
Let the testing to conceive Baby Cary begin... hopefully we will get an answer as to why "Making" Baby Cary is sooo dangg HARD.
I am feeling very anxious, excited, nervous, and hopeful about this first series of tests. I should know what my blood test results are and then I will have an ultrasound to see if those lil follicles are "maturing"... fingers crossed for what? I don't know.. an answer I guess :)
Right now all we can do is wait and see.. keep you posted...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)