Expecting..

OMG.. yes it is true we are having a baby! The little peanut is due May 22, 2012.

And, as you know that if you have followed this blog this as been a long road to get here.
To make a long story short...
My summer was full of fertility medication (clomid and metformin) only to find out that it was not working. We were spending our summer in and out of the doctor's office trying medication coupled with ultrasound monitoring and iui treatments.
In August, we learned that my time was up on these medications and the next best option was to think about having exploratory surgery to see if I had any scar tissue or other issues going on in there...we decided that we were ready to take the next step. I knew that if surgery was not successful (meaning that they could not find anything wrong) I was going to be referred to a fertility expert in the Portland area. However, during my appointment my doctor performed an ultrasound and saw that I had produced a follicle on my own... we did not think much of it. I had a summer full of follicles...so we went on with our month and I focused and researched IVF treatments and the surgery I was set to have.
I was all set for surgery and I was going in for my pre-opp appointment and realized that I was somewhat late.. but I didn't think much of it, I had been late before. I decided to take a test since I knew when I got to the doctor's office they would likely make me anyway... and out came a positive.. I WAS SHOCKED. I went into the doctor's office and presented them with the results. We were all shocked and excited.. so I had some blood tests, and all showed that that my levels were performing as they should. I have had 2 ultrasounds, one at 5 1/2 weeks and one at 6 1/2 weeks and everything looks perfect so far.. we even got to see a heartbeat.
We are beyond excited to share this news, but we are still very scared that something could happen. we pray that we will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. thank you all for thinking of us throughout this journey and  I will try to blog as this journey continues....
Right now I am 10 weeks, 2 weeks to go until I am in my second tri-mester. I did not know that it would be possible to throw up so much and what not wanting to eat would be like... it has been not very fun. Graham Crackers and water are my BFF... hopefully the cravings come soon :) I am ready to get to eating!
So here we go... the journey begins.... Parenthood here we come :)

Long time.. No Luck

Well as you can probably guess from the title... yes it is true.. I am not Pregnant. and I have not been blogging either. But, I have decided to post a small update on my painful journey this past month. I figured blogging lets me vent so I have decided to return...

First, Mexico was wonderful apart from being on Clomid the whole trip (hot flashes in humidity is NOT fun). But, it was exactly what I was so desperately in need of.. until we got home! We came home to our front door lock being replaced (poor Brinton's Grandma who was house sitting for us had to call a lock smith after the lock jammed and stopped working!), a dead car battery at midnight when we landed and went to go home, a $50 cab ride to get home at midnight, and then having to get a new battery for the car, and a family member passing away.

And.. so our month of May begins...

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor to monitor my follicular development, and to ensure that the Clomid (Rd 3) is still working. I had one follicle (after the previous month having 2... and let me back up or give a small side story on this, I also was a week late this (April) cycle and had a positive pregnancy test but, as luck would have it.. I started bleeding right before Mexico.. so Rd3 of Clomid began), the one follicle however was somewhat on the small side so he asked me to come back in 2 days for another ultrasound. This was to see if the medication was working and to ensure that I had not already ovulated. I came back in 2 days and I had another ultrasound and the follicle was now perfect and then the doctor posed the question about how we would feel about doing an IUI (inter utero insemination) pretty much meaning artificial insemination, if you don't know what this is.. google it.. my husband would be horrified if I posted what he had to do... yes I will keep you all guessing :).

So, we decided we would try IUI, it is minimally invasive and it gives you a 20% chance of getting pregnant instead of the "normal" 5% for a person with a "normal" cycle and the 10% chance you have with Clomid. So that afternoon after my second ultrasound and seeing the "perfect" follicle for ovulation I got an HcG shot (the same hormone detected in pregnancy) to make me ovulate within 36 hours. The next afternoon, I went into have my minimally invasive IUI procedure. Now let me disclose here that I googled that crap out of IUI's and all it did was talk about how simple it is and that it is not painful.. I am here to tell you.. it was AWFUL and it hurt like HELL!
I will spare the details of what they did to me but it hurt so bad I almost puked and could barely walk out of the office. The doctor also suggested we have sex again to up our chances.. umm NO thank you but I felt like I just had a baby, not attempting to make one!

So then there I was, in my "2 week waiting window" as the fertility folks call it.. waiting to see if I start my period or get to pee on a stick. Well as luck would have it, I started my period.. so here I go.. Round 4 of Clomid and Round 2 of IUI.

So that is it, that is where I am at today... and actually as surprising as it may be... I am ok with this. I have come to terms with the fact that this is going to be really hard for me and my husband, and maybe we will somehow, someway get pregnant but until then we will just keep trying with whatever means are available to us at this time. Of course, I am frustrated, hopeful and an array of various hormonally induced emotions but I have to believe that there is some reason for this happening and that it will work out how it should. If not, I would go insane! (which I was there!) I am not going to lie I still get sad that I am not able to get pregnant but...this is the hand that I have been dealt, so I have to deal...

Here's to hope and welcoming back me and my blog! 'til the next ultrasound! :)

Away we Go....

I lied, about updating.. This is not about my baby making status but rather a much needed break! so away we go....
What is the perfect break from all of this chaos?
MEXICO!
We decided it was a very important that we get away and take a break so we are going to Mexico in April for Easter. We are going on an all inclusive vacation where there is a beach, sun, drinks... and pool ...sounds like the perfect recipe for relaxation to me!
I'm somewhat nervous about going to Mexico but I don't plan on leaving the resort so I should be fine :)

Cheers to Margaritas, Sun, and RR.....

If at first you don't succeed....

Well the motto is if at first you don't succeed.. try, try again.. Right?
Well..how much trying do I have to do? This trying to get preggo thing is getting very very very very exhausting not to mention a whole host of other emotions!
Yes, I am hitting the end of the positivity train and hopping on a plane to negativity, frustration, crazy town and I am a little nervous it may be a one way ticket and I am not coming back....
Yep, you guessed it another month of NEGATIVE pregnancy tests and shattered hopes and a lot of other roller coaster of emotions.
I know you are all reading this thinking  well..whatever you are thinking about me and this situation but, the reality is only a small small amount of people actually get what having to struggle  to get pregnant is like and the frustration is overwhelming and this process is taking it's toll. Mostly, on me and my mental health. Basically, I feel as though I am going CRAZY!
The truth is I am not happy for people when they tell me they are pregnant and I lie and say I am. People are afraid to tell "us" they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt my  I feelings.. well guess what it's inevitable. People getting pregnant is part of life, I can't change my situation  and right now I can't change the way my emotions come out. I feel like a walking talking bitch who is negative all of the time. I hate that people can't tell me good news and I just hate this whole situation.
I am truly grateful for the people I have in my life who listen to me (and my husband), who support us the best way they know how, and everything else you all may be doing thoughts, prayers, secret voodoo.. but I think this matter  has become far bigger then I thought it would. I cry all the time, I am not a pleasant person to be around, and I am in a really bad place.
I thought that I would be able to blog about this, raise awareness and just be like oh, I can't get pregnant, blab about it and then get to tell my family, friends, my co-workers and post on my facebook.. guess what it's official we're pregnant... but, that is not the case.
So I am reporting to you blog readers that.. I am going to take a break. This is a very hard, personal issue and I am having very mixed emotions about how I let the whole world know this problem. I think for me I need some time for me and my husband to just get back to our life and not be consumed with trying to get pregnant. If it happens it happens,  but right now I am not myself, I have good days and bad but mostly I have anger, frustration and doubt and I need to get back to where I am not consumed with this situation.
In reality, I don't know how this will all go  but as for posting to the world my fertility news.. I am taking a break. I realized the whole world knows when I am going to get my period and I am just weirded out by this. So for now I am going to take a break from posting my failures and small successes.
Again, I am appreciative of the support and I would appreciate people to respect this choice.
As for ending this story, for now anyway...
I will let you know this, we are still medically pursuing options but as far as my medical progression may go we are going to keep this private. I think for me I thought talking about this would be good and, in many ways it has been but, right now I just feel like I am failing at something and I need to get back to feeling good again.
I feel like everyone wants to know if I am pregnant and they ask and I have to say no but maybe and I am just not able to paint a happy face on anymore and say no and/or maybe just have to wait and see.
 I feel like the one's who are waiting for that big announcement, I disappoint and I am very embarrassed that I can't get pregnant and that is the honest truth. I have a host of emotions that I need to work out for myself and my husbands sake. I think the excitement has gotten lost in this process and the frustration has taken over. Don't get me wrong we would be over the moon if we ever saw a positive pregnancy test but, we never have and our hopes I think have been squashed to a point where it is very difficult to keep talking about so.. for now this blog is on a break.. I will return just not this month.... thank you again for all of the support.
Best wishes to you all.. and as for me.. wine is in my future :)

XOXO, Ash

A Big One...

Today we went and had our first ultrasound since beginning the big C (Clomid). Yes, my husband came with, I think he was pleasantly surprised to see what I have been going through at the OB/GYN :) Always lovely...
And... I have one very large follicle that looks like it is ready to burst at any moment. I also have another follicle that is fairly big too...What does this mean you ask?
It's WORKING!! WAHOOOOO.... the Clomid seems to be doing what it should... and hopefully one of them chooses to burst!
It looks like I should ovulate at any moment and we should get a mature egg. So if the egg is healthy and mature, and the boys can swim, penetrate the egg, and fertilize.. we may get Preggo!!! (fingers, toes, and anything else one can cross, is crossed) and lots of Praying! we are tyring to be very hopeful. Because that really is all we can be, my husband said today that it "really sucks this is not natural at all" which it is true.. it does just really suck. The whole thing really sucks, but we can't change anything.. we can just keep doing what we can.
However, with this whole process we are approaching this cautiously optimistic. We still have some practicing to do to try to get it right and I guess that is all we can do.
I have definitely felt the affects of the Clomid but nothing too awful (other then a 2 hour crying spell.. I know so ridiculous!) So right now all we can do is wait and see, I am still doing rigorous acupuncture treatments to try to help me along as best as possible, and keep me as healthy and ready as possible.

Fingers Crossed, and Prayers being Prayed :) til next blog...

Holy HOT Flash

Well today is day 3 of taking Clomid and all I can say is Holy HOT Flash (s).

Yes, the side effects have begun. In fact, it is like a high of 35 maybe and I had to go outside to cool down. I had a pretty hots night sleep but, other than that, I feel pretty normal. I had acupuncture today and we are continuing to be aggressive with Chinese Medicine remedies and acupuncture along with my Clomid. I have an ultra sound next Monday to see if I am developing any mature follicles. Fingers Crossed I am.. So we will see how that goes. However, a brief back up in this story for a moment... (since I am terrible about blogging, to be expected (as my husband predicted))...

I did have a moment of frustration before the Clomid intake though. I called the doctor's office to schedule my appointment for my ultrasound and it was normal scheduling procedure then she said, "well every month you will have to pay $150.00 for all of your fertility matters" I was like ok (which is not awful expensive but I only go once a month so it is still alot, I mean if I went more I would be all for it).. but what am I going to say No I refuse to pay? then I was silently thinking, Wow... that is so swell that (pardon my overly exposed opinion at this point) but..  why can all of the White Trash (WT) in the waiting room in their PJ's drinking Mountain Dew A. get pregnant and B. get free everything care including fertility consultation with OHP.. but no I can't get any coverage for fertility matters with really "great" insurance and I will too, pay for you (WT) to have your baby and get every ounce of care you need for you and your baby, and likely pay for you and your baby the rest of your lives.. but also get to pay for every drop of trying to have a baby, conceiving a baby oh.. and caring for myself and my baby more then you likely ever will.. ughh so mad! (I know I am a social worker and I do know there are people who do need support in these areas but seriously you WT moochers...I mean barely make above the poverty line but seriously!!! I feel I can express this frustration and I know many of you are in agreement)..

Anyway.. now I am actively a Clomid user and abuser :) and we will see how this continues to go..

Til Next Time.. my readers :)

And it begins...

The beginning of the help from the fertility drugs begins.. and testing and doctors appointments and the saga continues...
So after waiting for the past 5 days to get my period (the one time I am finally late) it finally came. The one month that all I wanted was for it to start! UGHH how frustrating. But this marks a new beginning in our journey. I will begin Clomid on Saturday. (Pray for my husband as all Hell may break lose)
Clomid has some side affects moody, irritability, and all around awful PMS affects.
So, I will begin taking Clomid on Saturday for 5 days and then I stop taking it. I then will go to the doctor and have another follicle ultra sound so they can determine I am producing mature follicles with the help of Clomid . I hope this works!
I will keep you all posted with the side affects and all :)